open letter to the unnamed houseguest

In the spirit of McSweeney's Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond, I offer you the following:



An Open Letter to the Unnamed Houseguest Staying with Us

Dear Unnamed Houseguest,

We've had a delightful time, but I'm afraid it really must come to an end. I'm a tad overwhelmed by your presense and do hope you find your way to the door soon. It is a lovely door in eggshell white. You can't miss it.

When I was told you were visiting, I was cordial and welcoming. Considering you were a friend of my husband's ex, I believe I was more than generous in welcoming you to our home. And in truth, the problem isn't so much that you're here. I don't mind that someone is here. In my space. In the space I'm trying to clean and have had to turn on end to make room for you. No, that's not what is bothering me. It's more subtle than that.

I need the cap put back on my toothpaste.

Dumb and blonde may fly in other parts of the world, but not in our home. Here, we like strong independent people who can think for themselves. We like doers and makers and thinkers. Dreamers are ok too, if their feet have a solid ground in reality. This is where we've gone astray.

It's more than the toothpaste really. It's also the washing machine. I'll accept that our machine has more than a few buttons on it and may be difficult to figure out, but what were you thinking when you put a leather bag with giant metal studs inside of it? Who puts a fine-formed leather bag in the washing machine? ...with my towels?

I'll skip the bit about the salad bowl you broke. Even though we got it for our wedding, I've forgave you immediately for that. I turn off the coffee pot. I unplug the hair straightener. I don't skip birth control and then lie about it to the guy I'm sleeping with. It's the small things really.

...which brings me back to the door. How wonderful are the art deco handles? Just turn them to the left and away you go. If the door doesn't hit you on the way out, I might.

Lovingly yours,
Amy


More great open letters at McSweeneys. Maybe there's one their for you.